Pumpernickel

by Tom
 

I suppose there must be a teenage boy somewhere who gets on well with his parents. Possibly on Alpha Centauri.

At the age of fourteen, I had worked it out. The secret of getting what I wanted was to play mom against dad and throw in a few realistic groans for one and an earnest expression for the other. Actually mom wasn't too bad - she mainly fussed a lot and worried about me wearing clean underclothes in case I was involved in an accident. No - it was dad who acted like the big bad wolf and who tended to be able to see through my fiendish plans to get exactly what I wanted.

Dad worked for a big multi-national. In fact, I often wondered why they paid him anything at all - he just sat in his office and talked on the phone most of the day. Hell - I could do that, but nobody ever gives a teenager a fair chance, do they? He had another scam - every summer he did a tour of the company's German offices. It took him a couple of months, he took mom with him and they dumped me with grandma while they had fun in Europe.

Well, this year I was determined to go along with them. Dad just swore and told me that it was hard enough without dragging a whining brat around the place and that I would be bored out of my tiny teenage mind. I paid no attention to that, of course. It was pretty obvious that they just wanted me out of the way.

"So why do you take mom then, if it's so boring?"

He sighed.

"Your mother works for the company too. She works just as hard as me on the tour."

"I never get a vacation!"

"So you don't think that skiing at Christmas is a vacation? Or going to Hawaii in Spring break?"

"It's not the same. I've never been to Europe. All I get is grandma. Everybody else gets a proper vacation."

"Gee, that's real tough. Why don't you go see social services and complain? I'm sure they will agree that you're a deprived child. With any luck they'll put you with foster parents."

So I worked on mom. I told her how much I missed her when she was away for such a long time and that going to Europe would be real educational for me. I even managed a tear or two.

So it was settled. I went to Germany with them.

Boy - what a boring journey. And the food was lousy. All because we flew British Airways - those guys were sure out for revenge because we kicked their asses out of our country. Even the movie was lousy. And all we did in Germany was to go from one boring town to another, mom and dad dumped me in a museum of someplace like that, and then they spent their whole day doing boring things in a boring office. I complained. Of course.

"Some vacation this is! All I see is museums."

Dad just shrugged. That guy has no feelings. Mom went on about museums being educational until I could take no more. At least they didn't work weekends. No - they went shopping. Still - we went out for a meal Sunday night.

The menu was in German! And dad just grinned at me when I tried to figure it out.

"Need some help, son?"

I didn't want his help. A word flashed into my mind.

"No. I want some pumpernickel."

He shook his head, and that made me even more determined. The waiter came over, dad said things in German and then the guy looked puzzled.

"Pumpernickel?"

I just burst in.

"Yeah. Pumpernickel. Or don't you have any?"

The waiter exchanged looks with dad, then went away when he got a nod. I felt pretty proud of myself. Until my meal arrived.

"What the hell is this?"

It looked like a black brick. I poked it with my knife - it was pretty hard and it smelled awful. Dad grinned in his infuriating way.

"That's pumpernickel, son. Black bread."

"I'm not eating this crud!"

Then dad gave me one of his looks. The one that says he is about to lose it and do something violent.

"Oh yes you are. Every crumb. You ordered it, you got it, you eat it - while your mom and I eat our steak."

"What if I don't?"

"You go hungry. And you don't get any more allowance while we're here."

We were interrupted by the return of the waiter, bearing three steins of beer! I grabbed mine and took a slurp from it. It wasn't very nice, but I sure wasn't about to admit that! Mom was shocked.

"Put that down at once, Danny. I'll order some soda for you."

"Why can't I have beer? German boys get it."

Dad slammed his fork down on the table.

"Let the brat drink it. It will make him sick and that might teach him a lesson."

What a miserable meal. It was like eating sour, gritty shit and drinking sour gritty beer. But I stuck at it - I would show them that I wasn't the sort of wimp who would throw up after one beer! At least the dessert was good - they let us pick from a trolley packed with the most glorious cakes. I had three, mainly because it annoyed dad.

I woke up at two in the morning in total agony. My guts were tied up in knots, it even hurt to breathe. I called dad's room and waited until mom arrived, followed by a pissed off dad in his robe.

"Mom - I'm dying. I think that pumpernickel was poisoned!"

Dad snorted.

"Of course it wasn't. You just overloaded your guts - go stick your fingers down your throat and get rid of the rubbish."

As soon as he said the words, my guts heaved and I just made it to the bathroom in time. Mom held my head while I went into a prolonged bout of vomiting. Dad just seemed amused.

"Say, son - if you puke anything round and rubbery, grab it quick - it will be your asshole."

That wasn't even slightly funny. By the time I eventually subsided, I felt like I had been kicked in the guts by a large and savage horse. Every move was agony and I played it up - there was no point in suffering alone.

"I feel terrible. I hurt all over."

"Serve you right."

Mom rallied to my defence.

"It might be food poisoning. Or appendicitis. You never know."

"Occam's razor."

That made me look up.

"What razor? Why?"

Dad was supercilious.

"Occam lived in the fourteenth century. Occam's razor says that entities are not to be multiplied without necessity. In other words, the obvious reason is usually the right one."

That did it. Nobody talked to me like that!

"I'm in agony. I need a doctor. I think it's something serious."

Dad just snorted, but mom panicked. She called the desk and screamed at them that she needed a doctor right away. I went back to bed with a sense of satisfaction and groaned frequently to keep mom on her toes.

It took a whole hour for the doctor to arrive! I was pretty exhausted by that stage - groaning hurts your throat. I didn't like the look of him - he had a moustache and he looked like he belonged in the SS. His bedside manner wasn't much good either - he virtually punched me in the stomach.

"Mild gastro-enteritis. Did he really eat pumpernickel, beer and cream cakes?"

Mom was obviously still worried - dad would catch it from her later, I knew.

"Will he be all right, Herr Doctor?"

"Oh yes. A couple of days in bed on a light diet. That is all he needs."

"But we have to go to Munich tomorrow and we can't just leave him in a hotel room."

I groaned as loud as I could. If I was going to suffer, so were they. The doctor looked doubtful - maybe he was okay after all. Then I rapidly changed my mind, because he smiled. Never trust a doctor who smiles - they usually have a needle behind their back and they are lulling you into a sense of false security before they bury it to the hilt in your flesh.

"Well... Maybe it would be better if he spent a couple of days in the clinic..."

I made an instantaneous recovery. I'd seen those movies! But it was no use - mom latched on to the idea immediately. Apparently we had medical insurance that covered everything - hell, they were even going to save money on my bed and board! Dad was pissing himself laughing as he watched me protest that I would be fine - he even administered the coup de grace.

"Maybe that would be best. Now that I see how much poor Dan is hurting, a few days in hospital would set everyone's mind at ease, wouldn't it honey?"

I tried everything, but nothing worked. For one my parents were united - mom because she really was worried, dad because he was enjoying my fear. So it ended with mom and dad dumping me somewhere out of town and saying goodbye to me - at six o'clock in the morning.

Just as soon as my parents were out of sight, two nurses grabbed me. By this stage I was just about out on my feet and I couldn't even object very much as they stripped me naked and then made me put on a nightshirt before they heaved me into bed. I just flaked out at that point and went out like a light.

I woke up to find sun streaming through the windows. It took me a while to work out where I was - I was lying on my stomach in a white room... and I could feel cool air on my butt. I also felt that I needed to take a shit - my asshole felt really peculiar. As my brain slowly began to work, I suddenly realised that there was something in my asshole - something thin and rigid.

I panicked and tried to squirm round and grab whatever it was. Hands restrained me and pushed me firmly down against the bed. My face was embedded in a pillow - I struggled violently against its suffocating softness. Suddenly the object disappeared and simultaneously the grip on me relaxed. I rolled over to see two nurses standing by my bed, one of them reading a thermometer - that was what had been in my ass! I felt angry and humiliated.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"Taking your temperature, of course."

"That's disgusting. You had no right to do that to me. I'll sue you for assault!"

"You want it in your mouth then?"

She held the thermometer out towards me and grinned. I was revolted - and at the same time I realised that my nightshirt was somewhere around my waist. I looked down and saw that I was completely exposed, so I hastily pulled the garment to cover me up. That really amused them - they wandered out of the room laughing at me.

Nobody came anywhere near me for hours. I contemplated running away - then I realised that I didn't have any clothes to wear and that my passport and money were probably still with mom and dad. My stomach gnawed at me with increasing hunger pangs - throwing up had emptied it and I had not been given any food since.

Finally the door burst open and the two nurses returned.

"Hey - when do I get something to eat?"

"Later. First your treatment."

The first nurse just yanked down the sheets and started to haul up my shirt. It was then that I saw what the other one was carrying. A huge bright red rubber bulb with a thick, straight pipe sticking out of it. The plastic ring at the base of the pipe and a constriction left me in no doubt about where it was designed to go. An enema? For me? No way!

"Take that thing away!"

"Don't be silly. It's only a little enema. It will make you feel much better."

She hauled at my nightshirt again as she tried to turn me over. My asshole was still feeling greasy and uncomfortable from that fucking thermometer and I was damned if anything else was going up there. I grabbed the sheets and held on for dear life while she went on mauling me. Finally she stopped and looked at me.

"What is it with you Americans? Why are you all so ashamed of your bodies? We Germans are not ashamed and an enema is not something to be afraid of."

I had heard that sort of line before.

"That's easy for you to say. I bet you wouldn't like anyone looking at your ass."

Her reaction left me speechless. She turned her back to me, flicked her dress up her back and lowered her panties. Not just ordinary ones - French knickers. The ones I surreptitiously looked at in store windows. My vision was riveted on her butt - smooth, pale and rounded - and emitting a strange, musky, female odour. The cleft was filled with hair, but I could just discern her asshole and a long, seductive dimple that contained the female mysteries which filled my erotic fantasies.

I forgot where I was. My dick shot to attention and my hand automatically wrapped itself around it. Then she moved away from the bed.

"You want to get closer? You want to touch?"

I knelt on the bed and reached out my hand. Then my ass exploded. The other nurse had crept round behind me and waited for her opportunity. She just rammed the pipe into my asshole and squeezed the bulb - the hot liquid jetted into my rectum and started to dissolve its way out - the urge to shit overpowered everything else. The two bitches just laughed out loud as I desperately threw myself in the direction of the bathroom and creased up with the agonising effort of expelling the caustic liquid. I finally used some water to quench the last of the flames before I limped back to my room, cursing the devious nature of the female sex in general and nurses in particular. Sneaky bitches.

At last food arrived. At least I thought it was food until I saw that all I was getting was a glass of cloudy brown liquid.

"Our special vegetable extract. Contains all known vitamins and minerals."

It also seemed to contain a generous quantity of horse pee. I took a sip and then shook my head.

"No way. I'm not drinking that muck."

The nurse smiled again.

"Well - you can have it administered rectally if you wish."

I worked that out real fast. If I didn't drink it, they would squirt it up my ass. I drank it. One enema was sufficient for an entire lifetime.

Then they fetched the other nurse. She looked like someone from a heavy-gravity planet. Squat, built like a tank and apparently not possessing a neck.

"Come."

My response was automatic. No creature that repulsive could possibly be offering anything pleasant.

"No."

"COME!"

Any football team would have been glad of that woman. She just grabbed my arm and left me with the option of either having it torn from its socket or following her. She hustled me into a nightmare of white tiles and chromium pipes, then she just tore my nightshirt off and propelled me into an alcove.

"Hold pipe."

There was some sort of handrail - I grasped it firmly with both hands. I wasn't going any further. Then I screamed as a jet of freezing cold water blasted into me from a sort of swivelling water cannon. There was no escape - every time I tried to get away, she herded me back with the water jet. Finally I just held on for dear life as she tried to blast the skin off my body.

"Is good. Dry."

I accepted the towel with gratitude. My entire body was tingling with the effect of the high- pressure water. Oddly enough, I didn't feel cold. Just shattered. She even gave me a big, thick towelling robe to wear. If this was the German equivalent of a shower, no wonder they had no sense of humour.

The nurses reappeared and I cowered away from them. They were smiling again.

"And now for your colonic."

"Huh?"

"The doctor has ordered colonic irrigation for you."

I had been firmly of the opinion that unknown words held unknown menace ever since I asked for pumpernickel.

"What's colonic irrigation?"

"Oh - you will like it. Come along now."

I had nowhere else to go. I followed them to another expanse of white tiles which had apparently been visited by the same demented plumber as the other place. Still - it was warm and it had a comfortable looking couch in it. I looked around cautiously - there seemed to be nothing dangerous in sight.

"Lie on the couch for massage."

Hey - that wasn't too bad. I didn't even mind when they stripped my gown off - I just lay back while the pretty nurse slowly rubbed my stomach, her hand wandering tantalisingly close to my dick...

Then I stiffened, in all senses, as her fingers tickled my dick into erection, then moved lower and gently stroked my balls. Jeez - I was in heaven.

"Just lift your legs..."

I felt them being grabbed and pulled towards my chest as those devilish fingers continued their electric progress past my balls and towards my asshole. Then I caught a quick glimpse of something metallic, shiny and obscene. Before I could react, it was planted right in my ass.

It was enormous. Cold, unyielding and... and strangely erotic. It was straining my asshole, hurting a little, but it was turning me on like crazy as it pressed against the sensitive flesh inside of me.

Then they were all business again, smirking at the way they had suckered me. Things appeared as if my magic - including a miniature version of the fire hose that had already been used on me. It suddenly dawned on me just where it was going - but I didn't care. My asshole was sending out messages of incredible pleasure and they could have pushed an entire fire truck in there for all I cared.

Then I understood the purpose of the metal instrument as the nurse fed the tube through it into my rectum. I shuddered in sheer ecstasy as the thing was removed, leaving the hose threaded in place.

"Is this colonic irrigation?"

They nodded in unison and attended to the plumbing. I gasped as a rush of warm water entered my ass and started to inflate my belly and suddenly realised that there was a lot more to sex than I had imagined. My dick swelled in sympathy with my stomach - and the nurse began to massage my erection, slowly and seductively until I could hold it no longer and a jet of jism shot several feet (well... several inches anyway) into the air.

Then I discovered just how clever those Germans could be. I panicked at first as I felt everything running away from inside me, then I realised it was all going out via the tube!

And finally, they started over with a fresh lot of water.... By the time my colon had been rinsed out several times and my balls drained dry, I reckoned I had found my personal heaven. Afterwards they let me eat. Boy - when Germans do something, they do it with efficiency. I never ate so well in all my life.

I began to realise that the nurse who had lifted her skirt to me was kinda interested in me, especially when she came to my room that night and let me feel her tits. I reckoned that with another couple of days it wouldn't be just feeling. So, when dad called and said that he was coming to pick me up, I told him that I still felt weak and that the treatment was really doing me a lot of good. He didn't seem to mind - normally that would have enraged me and made me think he wanted me out of the way, but the imminent prospect of popping my cherry with the nurse overcame my desire to see what he was up to. To my delight, dad said that I could stay for more treatment, and he said he would fax the doctor with his permission.

I spent a night in delicious anticipation. Then the doctor arrived with both nurses.

"Your father has arranged for a complete course of treatment."

I smiled happily.

"...so we will start with the bladder irrigation."

It was only when the two nurses were holding me firmly on the bed that I cottoned on to the fact that he had said 'bladder'. As I saw the long, thin tube he was holding in his gloved hands and realised where he was going to put it, I yelled at the top of my voice and struggled against my captors.

Not that it did any good. And I was too sore afterwards to do anything except curse my dad....